Hi! I’m Gerald and I’m a superhero. I’m 32 and you don’t get paid enough for being a superhero anymore so I can’t afford tights. Instead I have resorted to stealing my wife’s pantyhose. This is the story of the first time I wore them.
On that particular day Ace Dodgers, (the hottest hero in the US,) had swooped over and was giving me some hardly appropriate names for my pantyhose when my hero watch went off and told me that Dr Gonbad had created a giant fire breathing robot and was using it to attack the Empire State Building in New York!
We were there in an instant. Me and Dodgers could fly while the new recruit, Thunderfist, had to take the stairs because he was only strong. On the way up the robot began to breathe fire. “This is getting hot,” said Dodgers. Thunderfist was beginning to get scorched so I lent him some pantyhose. “Such freedom of movement,” he said as he smashed the robot aside. “Hey, let me try some of those,” said Dodgers, seeing Thunderfist try the pantyhose on. Once he tried them on himself he said, “Woo, so much cooler,” then thumped the robot. I ripped out the eye of the robot and Dodgers flew in and destroyed it from the inside. “GLORY BOY,” I thought.
We flew back to Superhero H.Q. and found Superman there. “What are those things you’re wearing?” he said. “They’re literally the coolest thing around,” said Dodgers. “Well what are you waiting for? Let me try some on,” said Superman. “Wow,” he said as he pulled them on.
Gillian O’Shaughnessey from the ABC radio had an interview with Superman about a week after he learned about the wonder of pantyhose and asked him what he was wearing and Superman, the man of steel, the greatest hero of all, replied, “They are called pantyhose and I LOVE them!
From that day on the squadron of heroes were well known for their all round freedom of movement.